Soliloquy on Clinical Despondency
The Bi-polar Swing
There is no reason
It can’t be fixed with conversation
It can’t be described with words
It is simply a disconnect
You are there, and I am here, and people are around and I just.don’t.care
I function
Daily
Weekly
Tasks are fine. I can DO
I just can’t FEEL.
Don’t ask me to try
There is no happy, or sad, or elated, or grumpy, or jovial, or laughter, or calm, or flirty
Those functions are out of order
Maintenance required
Please standby.
There is no cause
No singular event that will make you say “aha! That’s why. Now I understand.”
For it is C-lin-i-cal
You will not understand
Unless you have been here yourself
Then perhaps you might
Or if you’ve witnessed a loved one, falling down a well
You reached out to catch them, but they slipped through your fingers
Perhaps they didn’t even try to be caught
It must be hard for you - the witness of the fall
I am sorry it is hard
I am sorry.
There is only one way out
I can see it over there, the path to "normality"
Waiting
I’m not ready
Not yet. My feet won’t even move
Perhaps I won’t make it alone this time
This may require,
Pills
Small things. Prescription only
One a day
Simulated convention in round white blocks
Taste like shit if they linger on your tongue
They don’t fix
They just mask,
The worst bits
And suppress certain brain functions
Wait it out or lose a limb?
Quite the choice.
I wish I could hide it
So you don’t have to see
So no-one can see
It’s like standing naked in a crowd,
And everyone is wondering what the fuck is wrong with you?
And I shrug
Knowing I should care,
but I don’t
I can’t
Out of service, remember?
So here I stand
Nude
And there you are, wondering
Why?
And offering me a raincoat
I appreciate the offer
But it won’t help
Besides, it doesn’t fit
I may wake up tomorrow
“normal”
“fixed”
And everyone can breathe a sigh of relief
Or not
I wish I could tell you when
Or how
This will end
But I cannot
Because
There is no reason
It's Clinical.